Duelling with Demons

I guess my blogging hiatus deserves a little explanation.
I have been battling my inner demons for a while now and the last few months have been particularly rough, Matt has had to take a few days of work as i was completely non functioning, add to that yet another medication change which left me a twitching mess, seeing me at my worst you might have mistaken my 'twitching' for a seizure..not quite as violent as a seizure but with all my limbs shaking uncontrollably it seemed to me i wasnt far off, thankfully i have been transferred off that medication to another of which i am at the maximum dose which has a higher risk of actual seizures.....not sure if this is a forward backwards or indeed sidewards move i guess time will tell.

Matt has had to go to work late so he can take emma to school during my twitching and non functioning days ,as well as interrupting his work day to go pick her up.
I am so grateful that Matt has always had the type of Job that i can -when needs be- be his top priority. I am so grateful that he sees me as his top priority, when i indulge in- i am a terrible person, i can't do anything right, why are normal everyday things so hard for me, why me?- feelings, he can at once extoll my virtues and all the wonderful things i do do and all the way i am a good person and while i may not believe the things he says, i do believe that while i might value my life very little, Matt values it enough to help me get through the dark hours .

I find Joy in nothing, I feel alone even with lots of people , i feel as if the light has gone from my eyes i feel hollow and empty.
My Journey with depression isnt over, every day is different i may wake up happy and with one thought i can transform it into a day of tears.

So while this all remains true, i along with my doctor and my gyn are coming up with a plan to allow my body some rest and give my anti-depressants to work. Even writing anti-depressants makes me feel ashamed, i dont want to be one of 'those' people who are on 'happy pills', i do not want to walk around in a haze and it makes me sad to think that people will view me as less of a person, as an invalid or suffering 'mental illness' this is not 'mental' it is my stupid hormones i can do nothing about it my choices are stark suffer this or face the possibility of uterine cancer or hemorraging. knowing how bad i feel now i can scarecly believe that the other option is worse, both lead me to face my mortality and probably both would lead me to wish for an early homecoming. I made this choice and now i have to live with the consequences.

When i agreed to come to Earth did i know this was the burden i was being called to bear?No doubt i did. Did i comprehend the full implications? I would like to think not but i believe i did. This 'small moment' may seem like an eternity now but later I WILL see it for what it was.

While i know their are others who are in similar situation to Matt and I, there is no one who can help me bear my load as much or as well as Matt, I love him....I think he sometimes enjoys 'being my white knight' He is the most important person on the earth to me, just as it should be....

As Matt approaches his dotage (He turns 30 in october!!!!!!) I am reminded that soon i will be repaying the favour by stopping him from being the grumpy old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn and reminding him to use sunscreen on his head.
He is MY Mattman and YOU cannot have him

Im sure later i will rethink this post and delete it so if you manage to catch it before i do, excuse the indulgence of my feelings but what else is a blog for right?